In this post I wanted to bring up my health and my path to recovery. I doubt anyone reads this, but maybe my story can help someone else.
My health continued to decline. Not just my mental symptoms, but my physical symptoms. This post will focus on my physical health.
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My cramps from my period got worse every month, and I was overcome by pain and exhaustion. I would sit in my car after getting home from school for at least 10 minutes before I had the energy to go inside, and that was on a good day. On bad days, I sat for more than an hour. My back ached from doing anything, and after 15 minutes doing chores, I'd have to sit down and take a break. I couldn't even take a shit without crying in pain. Sometimes the pain was so bad that I wouldn't be able to move. The pain would build and build and build throughout the month. When I finally felt relief, I had to take time to recover. I was tired. So tired. Then I'd have a day or two of normality, so fresh that even my depression and anxiety seemed to pause. But then it would start again. Exhaustion creeping up, twinges of pains becoming more and more prominent... The cycle would start again.
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Throughout my adolescence and into my early 20's, none of the doctors I brought up pain and emotional turmoil thought much of it. Even my parents brushed it off. It's normal, lots of women experience period pain. It's normal, I'm just very hormonal. It's normal. It's normal. It's normal. My misery was normal. I was complaining about things that a female body just does. There's nothing to do. Nothing to change. I'm just dramatic. I'm just sensitive. I'm just mean. I'm just selfish. I'm just narcissistic... I blamed everything on hormones. Even my depression - it was because of hormones.
Only it wasn't normal. I wasn't being irrational. And I certainly wasn't experiencing the cliche and rather insulting stereotype of PMS 24/7. Something was wrong.
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Self-diagnosis only gets you so far... but I had given up on doctors.
A doctor I had back in Maryland had prescribed me narcotics for the pain, but looked no further into it. I didn't know any better, I was just relieved to have medication that worked. When I finally ran out of the meds a couple months after moving, things shifted dramatically. I went to a new doctor in San Diego for a new prescription. He refused to help me.
He didn't believe I needed them, and subtly accused me of being a drug addict trying to get a fix simply because I voiced concern over the waning effect of the drugs. I don't remember all of the conversation (I was a wreck at the time and could barely speak) but I will always remember the one comment that broke my faith in modern medicine and myself. "There are a ton of women who work for me in my practice, and none of them need narcotics for cramps."
He wasn't telling me it was normal. He was telling me I was lying.
I was upset. There wasn't a single emotion I wasn't feeling that day. Anger. He didn't believe me. Sadness. No one ever believes me. Doubt. Maybe I just have a low tolerance for pain? Why can't I handle it like everyone else? Guilt. Am I subconsciously making this up for attention or to get out of responsibilities? What kind of a person am I?
I stopped going to doctors. They didn't believe me. I stopped talking about it to family. They didn't believe me. I took 4-6 extra strength Tylonel every 3 hours during my period (you're only supposed to do 2 pills every 6 hours. But it wasn't enough.). I didn't know what to do except brace myself for the next round of misery, be it depression, anxiety, obsessive guilt, exhaustion, pain, or all of the above.
I allowed myself to deteriorate.
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I don't know where I would be or who I would be if my fiance hadn't convinced me to see a new doctor.
I went to a physician's assistant that was the primary care for a friend of mine. I was so upset and I knew I wouldn't be able to talk once I got there, so I wrote every issue, problem, and complaint I could think of down on a piece of paper. All I did was hand her the paper and cry while she read it.
Then, a miracle happened... she believed me.
"Your pain is not normal. I think you have endometriosis. " What? "I can't be sure without running tests for other things, but you need to see an OBGYN." ... "I also think you have depression and anxiety issues. I want you to see a psychiatrist immediately."
Anxiety. Depression. I vaguely knew what those were. But endometriosis? She had to explain it to me.
The basic gist of it is as follows:
- 'Endometrial tissue' grows inside the uterus. It collects all the stuff that later becomes your period. When your body realizes it is not pregnant, this tissue spasms and cramps to shed the lining and voila! your period.
- With endometriosis, the tissue grows outside the uterus.... the ovaries, the pelvic wall, the outside of the uterus, the intestines, the bladder, really any organ.
- Now you have a normal function happening in all the wrong places in a very not-normal way.
- Every period you have, more tissue grows.
- Your body puts aside more and more nutrients, blood, etc. for the endometrial tissue outside the uterus. Exhaustion x10.
- ALL of it cramps and sheds the lining. Suddenly cramps are happening not just in the uterus, but all over your pelvic area. Pain x10.
- If left unchecked, tumors can grow. (stage 3)
- The most severe cases, the ovaries and uterus start to fuse together or to other organs. (stage 4)
- The pain you feel is not equivalent to the stage you're in. Some with stage 4 have no pain at all, and others are like me, stage 2 with extreme pain, lots of tissue everywhere but no tumors.
The only way to really tell if you have endometriosis is to cut you up and take a look. Surgery. Luckily it was non-invasive, but terrifying none the less. And no guarantee it's there.
I feel so lucky that we caught it. And I'm proud of myself for going through with the surgery, even though I was terrified, even though I had no guarantee that I would even have an answer after it was done. I guess I was just desperate.
The pain has improved immensely. Rarely do I have so much pain that I need to take medicine for it.
But I'm also still bitter and distrustful of doctors. I have met too many who don't want to help, too many who have swept me under the rug and stomped all over me. I found 3 doctors who finally took steps to help me, but 3/15 (or so) is not something I'd bet on.
If you think something is wrong, don't listen to your doctor. Because when you ignore your body and put your trust into doctors who could be wrong or could just not be listening to you. Get a second opinion. Get a third. Get a fourth. Keep going until you have an answer that makes sense to you.
For the record, through multiple forums I have heard of women being told the only way to treat endometreosis is by GETTING PREGNANT. Seriously, "Oh you have this, you have to get pregnant if you want help, that's the only way." What. The. Fuck. Don't believe that shit!!!!!!!! While having a baby has shown to help those with endometreosis, it's not the only fucking answer. Surgery. 3-month BC, and hormone injections are all possible options. You don't have to have a baby when you're 22 to find relief.
I wish I could tell you to trust doctors. I really really wish I could... But I can't, not in good conscious. One, doctors can be wrong. Doctors are humans and make mistakes; don't let their mistakes compromise your health. Two, doctors don't always listen - ESPECIALLY to women. Even female doctors give less credit to women than they do male patients. Maybe it has something to do with stereotypes that society pushes on us, I don't know, but I know from experience that it's true. Three, you know your body better than anyone. Don't let someone tell you you're find when you just know something is wrong.
Anyways, that's my rant for the day. I started writing this post weeks ago, and I've debated on posting it because I know how bitter and angry I must sound (because honestly, I still hold a huge grudge... I'm trying to let go, but it's still there burning inside me). But maybe it'll help you. Maybe it'll help your friend or family member or coworker. And maybe no one is reading this at all and it doesn't matter.
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